All Clear!

I couldn't have been happier!

Dr Chung gave us the all clear sign yesterday morning. The vaginal scan showed an empty uterus and nice lining. No blood test required unless I wanted to and the menses which started on 23/12/2013 is a good sign that my body has 'healed'. In fact, Dr Chung says we could start with long protocol on day 21 of this cycle itself if we want to.

However, the problem is, I wish to see another doctor for our 4th IVF treatment. I have even made an appointment for the first consultation scheduled on 13/1/2014. I feel bad for leaving Dr Chung. He has been very nice and professional thus far but being in his clinic and seeing some of the familiar faces there with 'baby bumps' every now and then doesn't help at all. So we have decided to start afresh elsewhere.

I am so grateful to my hubby who has been so supportive of me. It hasn't been easy for him too but I know he just wants me to be happy. If there are any pressure at all, it is all coming from me, myself and I alone. Hubby is fine with us being just the two of us...

"To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, to love someone who loves you is everything."

Fear of Failure?

It's Christmas! I can't believe it's the end of another year again.

What have I achieved this year? Nothing? Sadly, I can only think of the many failures we had with IVF. This year alone, we've had two (2) fresh IVF treatments but unfortunately with no take home babies. I was so looking forward to our next fresh cycle after my dilation and curettage ("d&c").

However, I feel that I'm kind of holding back a little now. I'd somehow find myself a bit hesitant to get appointments fixed to start afresh. Too afraid of failures again? Losing faith? Or just not ready?

Maybe it's too late now to start in January 2014. I'd just had my 2nd menses two (2) days ago on 23/12/2013. Didn't expect it to be this early. It was just a mere 23 days since 30/11/2013! Well, it's better early than late I suppose. Although the flow is rather heavy this time, I don't feel much cramps so I am very thankful.

I need to know that my body has really healed. Hopefully Dr Chung could confirm that my womb is totally empty now and give us a thumbs-up to continue. That at the very least, may put my mind at ease. I am confident that my blood test this Saturday will reveal the hCG level of below 5 mIU/ml. It has to be!

IVF treatments have never been easy...and knowing that I need to go through it again makes life rather miserable for me. This is really tough, but I have to keep reminding myself that we are so lucky to be financially able to pursue a family of our own with this assisted reproductive technology ("ART"). I just can't imagine how devastating it must be for those couples who cannot afford IVF or even IUI. So again, I am very thankful.

Fingers crossed for good news this Saturday!

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure." 

Three TOO MANY?

Well...I've just got to know of yet another colleague of mine being pregnant.

This lady is 12 years younger than me and she has 2 lovely daughters now. Yes, I will have to admit...I do envy her a lot. She is very young and she gets pregnant at the drop of a hat! In fact, everyone seems to be!

However, it greatly saddens me to know that she is not too happy being pregnant with her third child. It must have been an 'accident' and probably she and her husband just couldn't afford having another child at this point of time. Whatever the reason is, it just could not justify a termination, or could it?!

My point is, here I am, trying frantically like a mad woman trying to conceive and there you have another lady having thoughts of a termination! This is madness! For a moment, I just couldn't help but become very angry...at myself? Why should I? I don't really know why...

I hope time will heal all these pain I'm going through and the emptiness I feel deep inside being surrounded by pregnant ladies and babies everywhere I go.

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."

Staying Healthy for the Next IVF Cycle

It's been a while since I last met Dr Chung.

It was a Thursday (5/12/2013) and I was so relieved that the previous blood test on 30/11/2013 came back negative on infection. Dr Chung also noted (with a sigh of relief!) that the mass in my womb had shrunk in size compared to 5 days earlier. He believed that what I'd experienced on 30/11/2013 was my 1st menses after the dilation and curettage ("d&c"). Blood tests again. Everything else looked good and I were to return for a follow-up check in 3 weeks time (28/12/2013). What a long wait! Anyway, the clinic later called at 7pm to inform that my hCG level had dropped to 11 mIU/ml. It seemed like forever to get the hCG level down to 0.

Well, we can't start our next IVF until we get the 'all clear' from Dr Chung. The earliest possible cycle would be in January 2014. However, due to the Chinese New Year festive holidays starting on 31/1/2014, we may have to wait until February 2014 to start all over.

In the meantime, what I could do is to stay healthy in preparation for the next IVF stimulation with medications and drugs.

I find myself buying more supplements than I did previously. These are my daily intake since a week after the d&c:-

(i)    folic acid 5mg

(ii)   vitamin B-complex [Surbex Zinc from Abbott]

(iii)  royal jelly 1000mg [Kordel's]

(iv)  co enzyme Q-10 50mg [Bio-Life]

(v)   omega 3 fatty acid - DHA 250mg & EPA 20mg [NeuroGainPB]

(vi)  propylthiouracil 50mg ["PTU"] - alternate days

During my 1st, 2nd and 3rd fresh IVFs and FETs, I was only taking folic acid, vitamin B-complex and PTU daily. PTU is prescribed by my physician, Dr Leslie Lai, due to my hyperthyroidism condition. However, as my T3, T4 and TSH levels are back to the normal range, I am only taking PTU on alternate days instead of the usual daily tablet.

In addition to these supplements, I am also taking chicken essence [Eu Yan Sang], avocados, instant rolled-oats, sunflower seeds, raisins, nuts and making drinks from spirulina, chlorella, quinoa powder, walnut powder, black sesame powder and protein powder.

I must say it's really tough trying to maintain a balanced healthy diet especially when there are so much variety of foods here in Malaysia. Foods that are good for health may not be most people's choice. It's worse during my work days as there are limited choice of 'healthy' foods around for lunch.

During the weekends however, I'll normally make some salads and drink plenty of water. I have not been drinking coffee and tea for a long time...maybe once in a blue moon? Hot chocolate or Milo, honey lemon and soya bean drinks have been my favourites most of the time if I am eating out.

The only thing that I have no discipline doing is to exercise.

I used to go for yoga classes and swims but I've haven't for a couple of months. I may start swimming again once my spotting stops (for the record, I haven't stopped spotting/bleeding since my d&c) but I may not continue with the yoga classes. Oh well, I may change my mind...

"Believe you can and you are half way there..."

Slow Decrease of hCG Level

Like every lady who had just lost her precious baby, I just wish I could move on as quickly as possible and never look back.

This marathon against time never fail to make me feel helpless, as I always seem to be at the losing end. How much more time do I have? 3 years maybe? Or 4 at most? If only I could turn back time and never delayed getting married and trying to have a family...

My blood test on Saturday (30/11/2013) at 4w6d after the dilation and curettage ("d&c") came back with a hCG level of 28 mIU/ml. I'm somewhat relieved that it's dropping continuously despite Dr Chung's concern that there could be an infection as I have not stopped spotting/bleeding since the d&c on 28/10/2013. He will see me again on Thursday (5/12/2013) and decide whether I will require another d&c to clear the mass of "tissues" in my womb. Dr Chung couldn't really conclude if the mass, still visible from the scan, was leftover products of conception or a growth of some sort. One thing for sure, it hasn't shrunk a tiny bit since the previous scan on Tuesday (26/11/2013).

The funny thing was, I believed my menses came on Saturday itself! I started to have dull cramps very similar to those during my menses and the bleed became heavier too. I'm still having the cramps now. Fingers (and toes!) crossed for a clean flush-out of whatever remains in my womb with this "menses".

I desperately need to move on...

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us."